Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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