I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I pour the whiskey from now on
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
