its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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