It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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