I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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