I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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