You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
