why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
