He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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