take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
