you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
