Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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