i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
