Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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