Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
