I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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