with your own penis?
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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