I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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