Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
