When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
