Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
