My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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