mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
