How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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