I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
