So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
