I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
