pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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