So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
