In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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