I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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