Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
