please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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