just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
