I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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