I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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