i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
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