So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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