It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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