I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
