he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
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