We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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