last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
