That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
