Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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