Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
