Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
