Your face is a jimmy john
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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