Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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