she looked like the bat from fern gully.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
