we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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